Why Pain, Discomfort, or Numbness During Sex Is Not “Normal”

For far too long, women have been told—directly or indirectly—that pain during sex is just something to tolerate. That it’s part of aging, part of menopause, part of stress, or simply “how it is now.” Let’s be very clear: pain, discomfort, or numbness during sex is not normal—and it’s not something you should ignore.

As women move through their 40s, 50s, and beyond, hormonal shifts—especially declining estrogen—can change the vaginal and vulvar tissues. These tissues may become thinner, drier, less elastic, and more sensitive. Blood flow can decrease. Natural lubrication may be reduced. All of this can make penetration uncomfortable or even painful, and it can also dull sensation, leading to numbness or difficulty reaching orgasm.

But here’s what’s important to understand: these changes are common, not inevitable—and they are absolutely treatable.

Pain during intimacy can show up in different ways. Some women experience burning or stinging, others feel tightness or tearing sensations, and some notice pressure or deep discomfort. Numbness can feel just as distressing, often leaving women wondering where their pleasure went or assuming it’s “gone for good.” It’s not.

Beyond hormonal changes, other factors can contribute: pelvic floor tension, certain medications, stress, past trauma, chronic conditions, or even using products that disrupt the natural vaginal environment. Rushing arousal, skipping lubrication, or pushing through discomfort can worsen the issue over time.

One of the most important steps is listening to your body without judgment. Pain is communication, not failure. If something doesn’t feel right, that’s your cue to pause—not power through.

Equally important is seeking support from the right professional. A gynecologist, urogynecologist, pelvic floor physical therapist, or menopause-informed provider can help identify what’s going on and guide you toward solutions. These may include localized estrogen therapy, pelvic floor work, lifestyle adjustments, or simple changes in how intimacy is approached.

Pleasure should not hurt. Comfort, sensation, and enjoyment are not luxuries—they are part of your well-being.

Coach’s Note

If sex has become uncomfortable, painful, or emotionally frustrating, please know this: you are not broken, and you are not alone. Your body may simply be asking for a different approach, better support, or more information. You deserve intimacy that feels safe, pleasurable, and affirming—at every stage of life. My passion is helping you find yours™.

Patricia Stoecker

I’m a 32-year Army veteran turned intimacy and wellness expert, passionate about helping people feel confident, connected, and empowered. Through Find Your Own Passion™, I offer curated intimacy products, fun in-home parties, and peri/menopause life coaching. No matter your age or stage, my mission is simple: My passion is helping you find yours™.

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