How to Talk About Intimacy Without Fighting

If discussing intimacy isn’t your forte, you’re not alone.  Talking to your partner about your sex life can feel silly, emotional, or downright scary.  But silence only breeds bigger problems.  The good news is healthy communication isn’t about finding the right thing to say.  It’s about creating an environment where you and your partner feel safe being heard, respected, and understood. Many couples believe they should know what their partner is thinking or feeling just because they’ve been together for X amount of years.  News flash: None of us can read minds.  And your partner might have no idea what you’re going through physically and emotionally.  You might also not know what your partner is experiencing.  That’s why sharing your truths with each other is one of the greatest investments you can make into your relationship. 

Silence Creates Assumptions

When intimacy levels change, many couples avoid talking about it at all.  Maybe you’re embarrassed.  Maybe you’re afraid of hurting your partner’s feelings.  Maybe you don’t know where to start.  Whatever the reason, by not talking about it you’ll likely make up stuff in your head about why things have changed. 

Unfortunately, silence has a way of filling the room with assumptions.

One partner may think: “They’re not attracted to me anymore.”

The other may be thinking: “I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.”

Neither person is trying to hurt the other. They’re simply trying to protect themselves.

Timing is Everything

Timing matters. Bringing up concerns in the middle of an argument—or just before bed when both of you are exhausted—is rarely productive.

Instead, choose a time when you’re both relaxed and unlikely to be interrupted. Maybe it’s during a walk. Over coffee on a Saturday morning. Or while sitting on the porch at the end of the day. Your goal is to have a conversation, not a confrontation. 

Share Your Experience

One trick to avoid putting your partner on the defensive is by speaking from your own personal experience.  Instead of: “You never want to spend time with me.” Try this: “I’ve noticed we haven’t been spending as much time together and I really miss it. I’d love to reconnect.”

Instead of: “You don’t understand what menopause is doing to me.” Try this: “Menopause is still new to me too, but I really want to share what I’m experiencing with you.” Use “I” Statements. The little changes in our words can make huge differences in how our partners perceive our messages.

Listen to Learn

There’s listening to respond and there’s listening to learn.  When your partner is speaking, avoid the urge to problem solve, defend yourself, or explain what they’re feeling. Ask questions.  Be curious about what they have to say.  Seek to understand your partner, then respond.  Sometimes all they need you to say is, “Tell me more.” The gift of feeling heard is powerful.

You’re On the Same Team

Sure you might be sitting “across” from each other during your conversations, but you’re not on opposing teams.  Remembering that you and your partner are on the same team can help reframe conversations when things start to feel accusatory.  “You” statements often sound like someone is wrong. “We” statements make problems something you’re working together to solve.  Try replacing sentences like: “You never want to spend time with me anymore!” with this: “I’ve been feeling lonely lately and would love to spend more time with you.  How can we make that happen?”

One Conversation Won’t Solve Everything

Most important conversations don’t happen in one setting.  You might have one conversation that leads to another. And another.  And that’s okay!  Look at each conversation as an opportunity to connect and build on the understanding you both share.  Every once in a while you’ll have that deep, heart-to-heart conversation that checks all the boxes.  Most times you’ll celebrate small victories. 

Both Partners Feeling Heard

Learn something new about your partner. Understand each other’s perspective. Agree to take one small step. Try Using “Conversation Starters.” If you’re feeling stuck about where to start, try asking your partner one of these questions:

• What’s one thing I can do that helps you feel loved? 
• Is there anything you wish we did more together? 
• How can I support you better during this season? 
• You can even swap answers and ask each other! 

My Closing Thoughts

Happy couples aren’t built on perfect conversations.  They’re built on honest conversations.  You will have moments that feel silly, conversations that don’t go the way you’d like, and times when you just don’t know what to say.  And that’s perfectly okay.  The important thing is you keep coming back to each other.  Keep listening.  And keep trying to understand your partner.  Because healthy relationships aren’t about the couples who never argue.  They’re about the couples that choose to love each other through those arguments. 

Tune in next week when I cover menopause from another angle answering the question: What Men Wish Women Knew About Menopause.  Helping each other understand what you’re going through is one of the most beneficial ways to improve your relationship.